i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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