I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
