My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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