Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
