we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
