got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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