Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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