Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
