My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Randomize
