Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
