1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i came on her dog
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
