DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
