if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
