Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
