Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
