That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
