i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
