You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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