i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
