BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
