She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
