Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
