If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Randomize
