Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
