Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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