Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
