I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
