I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
