Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
