i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Randomize
