i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
