So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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