Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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