mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Randomize
