so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
you inspire me to be a worse person
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
