i permit you to call me
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
