I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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