So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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