i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
