Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
