I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
This toilet bowl is my home.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
