I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Just high enough for therapy.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
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