sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
