my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
