I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
