we have pet lesbian snakes
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Randomize
