I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
