She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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