I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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