i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I need a beard to bite.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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